Category: Neurodiversity

Parenting Children with ADHD: Emotional and Physical Burnout

By Meryl Lammers, LSW, MT-BC
Parenting Children with ADHD: Emotional and Physical Burnout

Parenting is a complicated job, full of joy, unimaginable love, and a level of stress many are not expecting. When you are parenting children with ADHD (Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder), or other forms of neurodivergence, there are forms of burnout that parents of neurotypical children may not experience to the same degree. It’s a form of being tired you’ve never known before.

WHY?

Children with ADHD need more co-regulation, more reminders, more structure, and more patience. They need to be parented perhaps differently than you/we were. There must be a focus on building relationships, providing structure and support, managing impulsivity, and meeting behavioral and educational challenges. This includes creating a positive and supportive environment, using effective communication and discipline strategies, and understanding the unique challenges ADHD presents. Parenting this way may feel foreign, which requires more work and learning for you.

It’s the constant mental load of parenting a child whose brain works differently.

You’ve put your own needs to the side to care for your child. You’re always juggling meltdowns and tantrums over getting dressed, eating breakfast, or transitioning from one task to the next. You’re managing both you and your child’s emotional regulation. You’re going to therapy and doctors’ appointments, activities, advocating with insurance companies, schools, and health care providers. You’re navigating a healthcare system that feels impossible and you’re constantly wondering why it feels so hard to get the support you and your child need. You’re attending IEP meetings, fielding phone calls, emails, letters home.

You’re working a job in addition to parenting. You’re not sleeping well because your child isn’t sleeping well. Maybe you’re parenting more than one child, all of whom have different needs. You’re always in decision making mode and it’s hard to make mental and physical space for things you love or need.

It’s the constant worry, “Am I doing enough? Am I enough?”

Why does this feel so hard?

Because your cup isn’t full. Maybe you don’t have enough familial or community support. Maybe you don’t ever get time by yourself because you’re the default or only parent. Maybe you weren’t taught how to support their nervous system through your own. Maybe you weren’t taught how to support your own nervous system.

And our society is not currently set up to support parents, especially parents of children with differences. Maybe you’re faced with judgement from others or society on how you’re parenting. Maybe you’re also neurodivergent and the stress and sensory input of parenting overwhelms your system. Maybe you weren’t parented with patience or love and are trying to break generational patterns of unresponsive parenting. Maybe you have past trauma resurfacing and you’re not sure how to cope. You’re running on empty.

The increased stress and burnout of parenting can lead to:

  • Increased cortisol levels (stress hormone) leading to negative health outcomes.
  • A decrease in distress tolerance or ability to cope with daily living.
  • Increase in yelling and fighting with your child or partner.
  • Insomnia or poor sleep hygiene.
  • Increased anxiety, depression, feelings of dread.
  • Increase in irritability.
  • Feelings of guilt and shame.

This increase in stress has the potential to trigger past unresolved trauma. Here are some Red Flags to look out for:

  • Increased feelings of depression/anxiety.
  • Nightmares.
  • Flashbacks of traumatic memories.
  • Feeling disconnected from your body or from others.
  • Intrusive thoughts.
  • Persistent negative thoughts or beliefs about yourself.
  • Reduced interest in enjoyable activities.
  • Feeling unsafe in everyday situations.
  • Feeling helpless or hopeless

If you are parenting children with ADHD or neurodivergence, and are experiencing these symptoms, it may be time to reach out for help.

Benefits of working with an experiential trauma therapist include:

  • Increased ability to cope with life’s stressors.
  • Reduced PTSD symptoms.
  • Learning how to regulate your emotions so you can help your child regulate theirs.
  • Improved relationships with your child/partner/family.
  • Increase self-esteem and self-awareness.
  • Increased feelings of empowerment.
  • Ability to regain a sense of control over your life.

Remember: You are NOT failing. You are carrying a load that no one else sees. We cannot recover alone and you’re already doing so much for others. You deserve support, too! Please call the Phoenix Center to schedule an appointment with one of our skilled experiential trauma therapists.

Meryl Lammers is an Experiential Trauma Therapist and Music Therapist at The Phoenix Center for Experiential Trauma Therapy. Meryl also provides Trauma Recovery Coaching.

Neurodiversity-Affirming Trauma Therapy

Neurodiversity-affirming trauma therapy recognizes that neurodivergent individuals—those with autism, ADHD, dyslexia, sensory processing disorder, and other neurological differences—process trauma in unique ways. Traditional trauma therapy often assumes a one-size-fits-all approach, which may not work for neurodivergent clients who experience the world differently. Neurodiversity-affirming trauma therapy seeks to accommodate these differences, creating a supportive and inclusive healing environment that respects each client’s specific needs, celebrates differences, and challenges societal norms around mental health.

Neurodiversity-Affirming Trauma Therapy

A key aspect of this approach is flexibility in communication and therapeutic methods. Neurodivergent individuals may express trauma through behavior or physical symptoms rather than words, making experiential therapies, such as expressive arts therapy, somatic experiencing, EMDR, IFS, or psychodrama, effective alternatives. Additionally, a neurodiversity-affirming trauma therapist tailors the pace and structure of sessions to suit the client’s cognitive and sensory processing needs. Neurodiversity-affirming trauma therapists actively reject the notion that neurodivergence needs to be cured or masked in order to align with neurotypical standards.

Most importantly, neurodiversity-affirming trauma therapy is strengths-based and collaborative. Rather than focusing on deficits or pathology, this approach celebrates the individual’s unique ways of thinking, feeling, experiencing the world, and healing. The therapist works with the client to understand their preferred ways of processing information and emotions, adapting techniques to leverage their strengths. By fostering an environment of acceptance and validation, neurodiversity-affirming therapy empowers individuals to heal from trauma in a way that feels authentic and aligned with their identity. This collaborative approach empowers individuals to live fulfilling lives on their own terms rather than conforming to societal expectations.

Principles of Neurodiversity-Affirming Trauma Therapy

  1. Strengths-Based Perspective
    Traditional therapeutic approaches can sometimes emphasize deficits or dysfunction, particularly for those diagnosed with conditions like autism or ADHD. Neurodiversity-affirming therapy flips this narrative, recognizing the strengths that neurodivergent individuals bring to the table. Creativity, hyperfocus, pattern recognition, deep empathy, and unique problem-solving approaches are just some of the assets that neurodivergent people may possess.
  2. Client-Led Goals
    Instead of pushing clients to fit into neurotypical molds, neurodiversity-affirming therapy allows individuals to set their own therapeutic goals. For some, this might mean learning coping strategies for navigating an environment that doesn’t always accommodate their needs. For others, it could involve embracing and deepening their understanding of their neurodivergent identity and sense of self. Therapy is a collaborative process where clients have autonomy and control over their treatment.
  3. Rejecting Harmful Norms and Pathologizing Language
    There is a conscious effort to create a positive and affirming environment. This includes rejecting harmful norms and pathologizing language that frames neurodivergence as a problem. Instead of using terms like ‘deficit,’ ‘disorder,’ or ‘impairment’ that can reinforce negative stereotypes and stigmas, therapists use affirming language that highlights diversity in cognition and behavior. They view neurodivergence as a natural variation of the human brain, rather than an abnormality.
  4. Creating an Accessible Environment
    Neurodivergent individuals often experience sensory sensitivities, communication differences, or executive functioning challenges. Neurodiversity-affirming therapists work to create predictable environments that accommodate these differences. This might include offering multiple ways to communicate (such as through text or art), modifying sensory stimuli (like lighting, seating arrangements, or scents), or providing flexible session structures to meet the client’s needs.
  5. Intersectionality and Identity-Affirmation
    Neurodivergence does not exist in a vacuum. Many neurodivergent individuals belong to multiple marginalized communities, and their experiences are shaped by race, gender, sexual orientation, socioeconomic status, and more. Neurodiversity-affirming therapy embraces an intersectional approach, acknowledging the complex identities of clients and how societal oppression may impact their mental health.

Several vital overlaps and core principles are shared between neurodiversity-affirming and trauma-informed therapy. Both frameworks focus on validating the client’s lived experiences, prioritizing safety, autonomy, and strengths, and understanding how societal systems impact mental health and identity. While each approach addresses specific needs—trauma recovery or neurodivergence—they overlap significantly in their emphasis on respect, individualized care, and fostering a non-pathologizing, inclusive therapeutic space. The intersection of trauma therapy and neurodiversity is a vital area of focus as we work to create more inclusive mental health care systems.

Benefits of Neurodiversity-Affirming Therapy

  1. Empowerment and Self-Acceptance
    Neurodivergent individuals often grow up feeling misunderstood or pressured to mask their true selves. Neurodiversity-affirming trauma therapy encourages clients to embrace their authentic selves and recognize the value they bring to the world. This can lead to increased self-esteem, self-acceptance, and empowerment.
  2. Reduction in Stigma and Internalized Ableism
    Traditional therapeutic approaches can sometimes unintentionally reinforce stigma or ableist attitudes. Neurodiversity-affirming therapy actively combats this by creating a safe space where clients are not judged for their differences.
  3. Tailored, Effective Support
    Because neurodiversity-affirming therapy focuses on individualized support, clients receive care that is truly tailored to their needs. Whether it’s learning to navigate executive functioning challenges or finding ways to honor sensory sensitivities, the support is specific to the individual.
  4. Improved Relationships
    By embracing a neurodiverse lens, clients can develop healthier relationships with themselves and others. Neurodiversity-affirming therapy can help individuals communicate their needs more effectively, set boundaries, and foster connections based on mutual understanding and respect.

By shifting away from the traditional pathology-focused model and embracing a strengths-based, affirming perspective, therapists can help clients navigate challenges, celebrate their unique gifts, and thrive in a world that often misunderstands them. Neurodiversity-affirming therapy not only supports neurodivergent individuals in their healing journeys but also fosters a more inclusive and accepting society where all individuals can be accepted for who they are and cared for in the ways they need.

The Phoenix Center is committed to offering a supportive and affirming space that empowers individuals to heal from trauma in ways that respect their unique lived experiences. Our trauma therapists accommodate different communication styles and cognitive processing needs through personalized and experiential approaches. Contact us today to find out more about our neurodiversity-affirming trauma therapists!

by Sarah Jayne Oltz, MS, NCC, CTP

Sarah Jayne Oltz is an Experiential Trauma Therapist at the Phoenix Center for Experiential Trauma Therapy in Media, PA. Sarah Jayne also provides trauma recovery coaching and offers continuing education.